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"Aloha" From the Seychelles! OSN Sports Camp Back on after Civil War Ends

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Dear Parents,

It is our pleasure to inform you that the OSN Youth Sports Camp in the Seychelles is no longer cancelled, as the rebel forces have been permanently subdued. The last of the insurgent officers have been taken into custody and will be executed by firing squad tomorrow morning, which means your children will be safe and sound at the Mbuntu Royal Sports Pavilion and Reinforced Barracks. Below you'll find a sample itinerary of what your children can experience at their week of OSN Sports Camp. In the meantime, we'd like to ask for an additional cash infusion of just 320 dollars to construct a new runway at Mbuntu III International Airport, as much of the island's infrastructure has been permanently destroyed. We take Western Union, check, or American currency delivered to the embassy under the cover of darkness.

Mahalo, and welcome to the Indian Ocean!
--OSN Editors, Camp Seychelles Staff, Seychelles Royal Army, Navy
Camp Seychelles™ Daily Schedule

Sunday Funday!

3:…

#RPS18 Tournament Update: Winners Announced

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This week Outsider Sports Network is covering the  Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship held at the Ramada Inn in Orlando, Florida. Click here to see the other #RPSOrlando18 coverage.Click here to see the bracket.

WOW, what a tournament! After days of grueling competition, OSN congratulates local homeless man Spud Kemp and Rocky "The Stone" Schwartz from Topeka, Alabama for sharing the title of 2018 champion! The final round took place in the Banana Leaf Conference Room in the airport Ramada Inn just past 3am. Both competitors were declared the winner after they tied for the hundredth time. Both competitors relied heavily on rock, choosing it in each of the 100 rounds (click here for the play-by-play). It was an incredibly exciting end to the exhausting two weeks of competition. Kemp and Schwartz will each receive half of a $25 Radioshack™ gift card and will both be flown to Buckingham Palace to be knighted by her majesty and 1952 RPS champion Queen Elizabeth II. (OSN wa…

#RPS18 Tournament Update: Day Before Finals

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This week Outsider Sports Network is covering the  Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship held at the Ramada Inn in Orlando, Florida. Click here to see the other #RPSOrlando18 coverage.Click here to see the bracket.


Now in day 5, the Rock Paper Scissors Grand Championships in "beautiful" Orlando, Florida is in full swing after a series of unexpected delays and unforeseen challenges. First, the airport Ramada Inn had accidentally booked their ballroom for the Goldstein Bar Mitzvah for the same weekend, causing the tournament to be pushed back a week as Noah Goldstein became a man. Mazel tov!

Then, the director of the tournament, Dr. Thomas "Tiny Face" J. Kringle was barred from the Ramada due to consistent and intentional violations of the hotel's breakfast buffet policies. While the issue remains tied up in court, Dr. Kringle was unable to perform his duties as head honcho of the whole shindig. We wish him well.


The first round went off without incident--well…

A to Z of Sports: Part Two (N-Z)

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THE A TO Z OF SPORTS: A POEM (PART 2) For part one, click here.

Hey, you, get over here! It's time to expand my rhyming career You've heard sports poetry from me before But that was part one, dingus! There surely is more For we have explored just the first letters 13 more await! I hope it's much better.
Shoot, I've lost track again! Where were we, X? F? No, we're at N!
Nis for NFL, where the football is tossed,
But watch out for players, they're big and they're rough.
Football is fun, it's easy to play,
Three strikes and your out,
Really, overall, I'd say it's okay.

O is for OSN, top of the heap
The elite sports media can't even compete
Do they even have a single sports rhyme?
If not then don't waste your time.

P is for ping pong.

Q is for Quidditch, the most magical game,
Some say it's fake, but who cares? It's a sport all the same.
Alright, I'll be honest: this wasn't my strongest,
But anything else won't be much better,

Day 2: The 2018 Rock Paper Scissors Championship Tournament: The Top Competitors #RPSOrlando18

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This week Outsider Sports Network is covering the  Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship held at the Ramada Inn in Orlando, Florida. Click here to see the other #RPSOrlando18 coverage.Click here to see the bracket.

This year’s Rock Paper Scissors tournament is shaping up to be a great one, and we could not be more excited to be on site at the Orlando airport Ramada all week, providing live coverage (special thanks to new OSN majority shareholder, King Mbuntu of the Seychelles Islands, for sending us to the tournament on his private jet!) With that said, here is a rundown of this year’s favorites to win first place and take home the $25 Radioshack gift card AND an all-expense paid vacation to the beautiful Seychelles Islands courtesy of Outsider Sports Network:



1. Rocky “The Stone” Schwartz

Famous for his bold strategy of playing “rock” every time, Rocky Schwartz has often been criticized for being a “one-trick pony.” However, you can’t argue with results – Rocky’s consistent strat…

Day 1: Rock Paper Scissors Championships: Tournament Rules #RPSOrlando18

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This week Outsider Sports Network is proud to be the only major sports news network covering the Rock, Paper, Scissors, World Championship held at the Ramada Inn in "beautiful" Orlando, Florida. Alongside tireless reporting, we'll bring you top-notch Rock Paper Scissors commentary from our OSN contributors. Click here to see more #RPSOrlando18 coverage.

A word from the tournament director:
Hello!  My name is Dr. Thomas J. Kringle. I've been a rock paper scissors athlete for much of my adult life. After completing school (and getting my degree!) I began professionally competing in regional tournaments. This is my fourth rock paper scissors tournament as a tournament director, and I couldn't be more pleased to welcome you to "beautiful" Orlando, Florida for the 2018 world championships! Enclosed below you'll find the tournament rules & procedures and a tentative schedule. I hope you enjoy your time with us at the airport Ramada Inn. 

Love, 
Dr. Thomas …

Op-ed: If Tom Brady's So Great, Why Does He Shit in My Bucket?

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Tom Brady’s not as great as everyone thinks. That’s right. I said it. I know he won five Superbowls, but there’s another side to him most of you haven’t seen.

I live next door to Mr. Brady. Our backyards share a fence. In my yard, I have a shed where I keep my tools and workbench. I also have a large plastic bucket, which I use a lot when I’m gardening. Every morning, when I come out to my shed, I find shit in my bucket. Human shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Brady – your beloved quarterback – hops the backyard fence, breaks into my shed, and shits in my bucket.


I don’t know why he does it. I never did anything to piss him off. He certainly has plenty of bathrooms in his mansion, not to mention enough money to afford his own bucket. Maybe he thinks its funny. I’ve never caught him red-handed, but I know he’s the one who does it. He left a copy of the Patriots’ playbook in my shed one time. Plus, some mornings, he’ll knock on my door and ask to borrow a bucket with this big smirk on h…

Timeline: History of Balls

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Balls are an integral part of the game in many sports, and are an athlete's prized possession. How did such a mild-mannered shape come to dominate the world of sports? Below is a detailed timeline of the history of the sports ball.


10,000 BC: The first ball created; it is immediately lost on neighbor's roof.

9,999 BC: After a year's sabbatical, the man who created the first ball creates a second ball and trades it for a cube, which is also lost immediately.

5,000 BC: Balls replace rocks in most sporting events. Rocks remain a fan favorite.

0 AD: Jesus of Nazareth given frankincense, myrrh, and gold by three wise men. "But if they were really wise, they would have just gotten me a toy ball. What the hell do I do with myrrh? What even is myrrh?" Jesus complained to Mark 20 years later (Mark, 4:56).

1106: Pope Gregory III outlaws balls in a Vatican edict.

1106: Pope Gregory III murdered.

1493: Returning from his adventures in the New World, Columbus reports the worl…

Update #2

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More to follow.

A to Z of Sports: Part One (A-M)

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THE A TO Z OF SPORTS: A POEM A is for ankle, the place you hurt most.

B is for Baseball, a sport loved by most.

If the alphabet is where ye seek your sports knowledge,
Listen up, champ, there’s 24 others to acknowledge.
Talk to your coach and they’ll probably tell you
“Don’t worry about winning, just try your best!”
But what matters is winning—it is your sole quest.
Without our website, sports trivia is a bore!
Take heed of our rhymes and you’ll surely win more.

C is for coach, your best friend and mentor,

And D is for dartboards, both game and décor
Darts are played by moms, dads, and grads alike
But careful, they’re pointy! Like sharp little spikes.

E is for emergency, real or fake
Convince the ref it was a mistake

F is for foul, what you get for pretending
The offense was real and worth suspending 
G is for games, played every day

H is for hat, also known as a cap
I is for intermission, great time for a nap
But don’t let them steal your shiny new sports hat!

J is for jousti…

Update from the Seychelles #1

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More to follow.

Inspiring: My brother and I called in a bomb threat while the game was tied so both teams could win [LEAKED AFFIDAVIT]

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OSN has obtained the informal affidavit of the Harris brothers, written on toilet paper and sent to our offices.
Look, I’m no sadist. I love to see a good old fashioned sports romping as much as the next guy. It brings me great pleasure when one team gets trounced and the other team does the trouncing. HOWEVER, it breaks my heart to see grown men lose a game which they seem to feel so passionate about not losing. I think I speak for everyone when I say that one team losing and the other becoming, in turn, victorious, really kills the vibe for all the spectators, and dampens spirits all around for what would otherwise be a quite pleasant day on the green. That’s why last Thursday, while my brother Pherryus and I were taking in a professional (Division A-1) baseball event between the Jacksonville WingScrews and the Knoxville Jesters at the beautiful Clorox Stadium™ in West Jacksonville, we knew our duty required paramount timing. So, when the two teams had their horns locked at 3 runs a…

Quentin's Qorner: A New Sport Idea!

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Quentin’s Qorner is a weekly column written for OSN by award-winning director Quentin Tarantino about his views on his own movies and how they relate to the world of sport. This is the final installment in a series of three articles. Click here to read the others in the series.
Man, if you thought my rat-powered VHS-athlete idea was brilliant (join the club!), you’ll really love what I came up with this time! But first, let me apologize for publishing this column so far behind schedule. Truth be told, I’ve been sidelined by a rather unorthodox medical procedure for the last several weeks. It was always a dream of mine to be able to watch my movies at any time, so I got the idea to have authentic 35mm film slides from Jackie Brown implanted directly over my retinas. No licensed doctor was willing to perform the surgery, but I didn’t get this far in life playing by The Man’s rules! I ended up calling in a favor from Harvey Keitel, who actually did a terrific job considering how many lin…

OSN Presents: Workouts “4” Girls by 24-Hour Fitness

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After years of market testing, this month 24 Hour Fitness is proud to unveil their new workout program: workouts for girls! We know we know, you women have been overlooked for years, we get it, no one likes to watch a bunch of big strong men get their “swole” on (whatever that is!) But luckily for you we’ve partnered with some of our top male trainers to create a great, healthy and E-Z program for all you ladies out there who don’t need no man! We understand that this may seem like an out-of-touch idea BUT we truly believe here that woman CAN workout if they really put their MINDS to it! Just try! The fitness wizards at 24 Hour Fitness believe in you (And don’t worry: “24 Hour Fitness” is just the name of the gym, not the length of the workout!)


The most important workout for girls is of course squats (haha duh!) But seriously, it’s important to work out what are women’s most important physical aspect, their glutes! Anyway, The most basic squat would be the “sumo” squat. Have your leg…

Stephens: Why I Think The Moon Would Be Better Than Mars for the 2020 Olympics

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Hal Stephens is an avid moonchaser, and watches sports.

By now everyone has heard the rumor that the 2020 Summer Olympics will be held on Mars. While most people seem like they really couldn't care less, I have some very strong thoughts on this topic that I think should be made clear. I've been watching the Olympics ever since I could turn on a TV, and I have always loved the flag parade, the medals, and, of course, the rings. So that's why I feel like I need to speak up, once and for all. To the Olympic committee: it's time to shelve this whole "Mars" pipe dream and host the 2020 games on the The Moon. While the choice seems obvious to me, let's walk through why it would make no sense to select Mars over our very own The Moon.


There's been a lot of hubbub recently over the discovery of water on Mars. And while that's great news for the water sport events (synchronized diving, boat riding, underwater sword fighting, etc.), there's literally mi…

The Mini-Golf PGA Championships Wrap Up

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On our way back from the Seychelles, OSN stopped over in Nevada to cover the high-stakes 2018 PGA Jr. Putt-Putt Championship. Hundreds of putt-putters from around the world gathered in sunny Carson City at Minny Golf n' More behind the Burger King on Pepper Street to compete for the title of "number one best". If you missed our live coverage broadcast on the OSN channel, here's a quick rundown of highlights from the weekend.

It was an absolute nightmare from the beginning. The parking lot was too small to host the 150+ competitors, so many of the put putters had to illegally park in the Burger King parking lot. Through an anonymous tip, Burger King management figured out what was going on and called Diamond's Towing Service to tow away the cars. Customers only! By the middle of the day most of the cars had been towed and nothing other than a singular Crissandwich had been ordered.

The competition was stiff. This year's winner would receive a $25 gift certific…

Our Week in the Seychelles

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As you may know if you follow us on our facebook page, OSN's board of directors went to Seychelles for our annual sports company retreat. The king of the Seychelles, King Josef "Jojo" Asaf Hlari Mbuntu III, reached out to us in an email asking for OSN's help in what seemed like a grave domestic situation. It read:

Deer Sir, I am King Josef Asaf Hlari Mbuntu III of the Seychelles. For many year, our island was at peace. Children playing and business man was doing great work in our nation that was truly blessed by god. Howevers, I am speaking of a time that is not presently; I have been and am in grave danger from rebel soliders who have rising up against my regime. As I write this write this, my luxury palace is being broken into by those that wish to harm me. 
I humbly ask for your help in this conundrum. I know OSN is the premier network for sports journalism so I wonder, maybe, if you could find it in your heart to wire me $320 USD via Western Union or equivalent mone…

Why I Got Invasive Surgery to Improve My Air Hockey Skills

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Air hockey is an ancient sport. Since the beginning of time, man has dreamt of hitting a flat puck across a surface guided by soft bursts of air. But it wasn't until the early 1920s when tables were invented that the fantasy could become a reality. Ever since then, air hockey has become a mainstay. Named "America's favorite indoor sport" by Tabletop Gamez Monthly in 2012 and 2014, some of our greatest athletes in history got their start hitting a puck back and forth on a table. Babe Ruth, Michael Phelps, former one-term president George H.W. Bush, and Usain Bolt all excelled at air hockey in their earlier years before going on to much less impressive careers elsewhere. But, with almost a century of air hockey, the sport hasn't changed that much since pucks were added in the 1960s. There have been some attempts at performance enhancement: in the 1980s, Nike released a line of air hockey shoes to promote their brand. It did not sell great. Gatorade also came out wi…

How I Avoid Sports Fans at the Big Game

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Over the years, my once beloved pastime of going to a game alone to have some "me time" has become almost impossible. That's because the most annoying thing a sport's lover like myself has to deal with on a regular basis is, well, other sports fans. They're loud, they stink, and chances are they want YOUR favorite team to lose. And where, I must ask, does one SEE sports fans at their most obnoxious? At the stadium, of course. I don't know why, but apparently sports fans have decided to cheer, yell, and/or clap for any reason. Baseball player hits the ball? Everybody goes nuts. Why? It's literally their job to hit the ball. I can barely get through a page of Miguel de Cervantes' 1615 classic Don Quixote without getting distracted by some child selling baseball mitts or a small family 'doing the wave' by themselves.


The OTHER problem I have with sports games is the traffic. In order to get to a game, you have to spend hours in your souped-up Kia…

Rabbi: AVOID These Un-Kosher Sports

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Rabbi Cornelius Vanderbilt IV is a sports rabbi. He heads the Temple Beth-el-Amin congregation in Las Vegas and is the coach for the boys’ soccer team at the local high school.

Hello. My name is Rabbi Cornelius Vanderbilt IV (no relation). Choosing a sport to play is hard enough already; but if you’re Glatt Kosher, it can be even more difficult. The Torah commands us to “ride a bike, play with a ball, or take a hike. Just not at night.” (Leviticus, 3:3, rhyming version). But did you know that there are sports NOT approved by rabbinic law? Here’s just a short list of three, to give you a taste. Read it--your Rabbi will thank you!



1. Ham ball- This one is a no brainer: Jews cannot have ham, end of story. When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai, He commanded, “Thou shalt not play ham ball—even if all the other boys and girls in the neighborhood are playing it and having a really fun time. Is that clear?” (Exodus, 3:13)


2. Pork boxing- No pork boxing. Ever. You hear me? This…

Jones: Competitive Yoga--Too Much, Too Far, Too Fast

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Seboreah Jones is a poet and investigative sports journalist.


After only five years of certified worldwide competition, the question must be asked – how twisted can people get?  When it comes to competitive yoga, the answer is very!  Read on!
Competitive Yoga under the banner of the YCI, the “Yoga Challenge International” sprang to life in 2012 from of a yoga studio in Brooklyn.  The organization was founded by Sree Chim Chimcheree (Sree Chim to his followers) – a teacher who ran the hottest hot-yoga studio in hipster Brooklyn, sometimes doing yoga in temperatures up to 200 degrees!  Sree Chim wanted to pit his twistiness against that of other yoga teachers and devotees.  The first competition took place in a high school gym in Williamsburg and a panel of three judges scored eighty-nine competitors on points for grace, strength, and twistiness.  In this first year of competition, form was prized over strength, and the winner (Geego Timmins) was showered with rose petals and given a gorg…

Timeline: History of Sports in America

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Happy America birthday! Happy birthday, America! This July fourth, we celebrate this great nation that has provided us with years of unrivaled sports entertainment. Did you know that sports have played a pivotal role in America's history? Well, it did. Below is a limited timeline highlighting just a few of the contributions sports have made on our history.


1770- Boston Tea Party erupts after ref makes a bad call at the Pats game.

1776- Unwilling to pay league dues, the 13 sports teams that exist at this point in American history ALSO secede from the British Empire.

1803- Napoleon loses the Final Fantasy draft to President Thomas Jefferson. As punishment, he is forced to wear a jester's hat for a week, and give up the Louisiana territory.

1812- Francis Scott Key nearly writes "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," but writes "The Star-Spangled Banner" instead.
1820- US government begins partnership with Dick's Sporting Goods.
1863- Civil War ends after Confeder…

Why Do all Nebraskans Love Wiffle ball?

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From coast to coast, the wiffle ball is synonymous with relatively fun but forgettable outings with family and friends. A recent study from Chocolate State University (go Cocos!) found that while nearly every American has handled a wiffle ball at one point in their lives, almost no one can remember specific details of their experience. It seems like wiffle ball is a sport that is unknown and unloved. There's just one pesky exception: Nebraska.


For those who don't know what that is, "Nebraska" (colloquially, 'braska) is a small state in the middle of America's heartland. While their main export is industrial corn feed, wiffle balls are not far behind. Nebraska manufacturers have effectively cornered this semilucrative industry: nearly all of the nation's wiffle balls are produced there. Every year, the "superbowl" of wiffle ball is held in Nebraska's historic Corn Stadium, attracting dozens of fans from across the state. Last year the Lincoln…