OSN's 2018 Guide to World Cup Helmets

The World Cup is finally upon us, and we here at Outsider Sports can’t wait. It has all of the excitement of the Olympics, but without all those filler sports. To prepare you for the upcoming festivities, we decided to rank our favorite helmets from this years’ teams. This year was especially hard, because we had so many good options to choose from. 

5. USA
Our boys’ heads should be nice and safe in these. Made from lightweight carbon fiber with a visor to block out the sun, these helmets are a nice blend of style and utility. I wish I had a helmet like this when I played soccer in elementary school. God, getting kicked in the face hurt so much. Sadly, good soccer helmets are too expensive to be common outside of professional leagues, or at least that's what my parents said.

4. Brazil
Brazil knocked it out of the park this year with these classic throwback helmets, commemorating the helmets they wore during their memorable run to the Gentleman’s Quarterfinal in 1994. Purists may be upset that this year’s helmets don’t completely match the 1994 ones, as the new ones have replaced the traditional Chiquita girl with the Brazilian flag. However, we think it’s a great touch that will look awesome on the field. We also love the subtle dreamstime logo across the visor.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: the dreamstime logo is a watermark added in post. It is by no means printed on the helmets, nor would that look good if they were.]

3. Germany
These awesome Prussian-flavored helmets will be one of the biggest talking points of the whole tournament. The spike on top should provide some extra aerodynamics on defensive power-lunges. Sure to instill fear in their rivals, the Belgian and French teams have preemptively conceded their match with Germany scheduled for later this month. However, the German team must be careful. If one of their spikes accidentally pops the soccer ball, the players will have to use their own money to buy a new one. 

2. Italy
It was no surprise what the Italian team’s helmets would look like this year; all other head garments except chef hats are illegal in Italy. Still, we can’t help but love these helmets. When they’re done playing, these paisanos can go home and whip up a bolognese without changing their clothes! The chef hat also makes for the perfect hiding place to secretly keep a piping-hot bowl of spaghetti in case they get hungry mid-game.

1. England
Jolly-o, good chap! Another World Cup, another fantastic showing from the Brits. Excuse the sports metaphor, but they really hit a home run with this year's soccer helmets. This will look just as good on the field as it would in Buckingham Palace, or even Stonehenge. Their sleek profile will cut down on wind resistance, giving the English team a huge advantage. Win or lose, these players can hold their heads high knowing that they have the sharpest-looking helmets of the whole tournament.

Nathan Mostow is a senior at Northwestern University. He promised to submit his writer’s bio by 6:00 p.m. yesterday, but he claims he did not have time to write it because he was busy filing someone else's tax returns, but two minutes after making this excuse he posted a picture on his Instagram of himself at the zoo. Screw him.

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