OSN Exclusive: Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani on College Sports

OSN editors were eating lunch at the Applebee's inside Terminal 2 of Los Angeles International Airport when former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani approached us. The following is a full transcript of what happened next.

Giuliani: Hey! You're the OSN guys, right?

OSN: Yes, hi. Can we have these plates cleared? And we'd like to see the dessert menu in a minute.

"I no longer play the flute!" he insisted.

Giuliani: What? No, I'm not a waiter. It's me, Rudy! Former mayor of New York City and lawyer for President Donald Trump!

OSN: Oh, that's nice. Can you take our plates, please?

[Giuliani takes OSN's plates and leaves. He returns five minutes later with the plates.]

Giuliani: I took your plates! Can you interview me now? I can talk about sports or politics or anything you want!

OSN: Jesus Christ, Rudy! Alright, give us a minute.

>[OSN editors considers the proposition, whispering out of earshot of the former mayor. 

>Rance: Why isn't he bringing us the dessert menu?

>Lance: I think he said something about being a mayor... I wasn't really listening. 

>Jones: Guys, he wants us to interview him. I really don't want to but he seems like he would genuinely appreciate it. I don't think this former mayor has any friends. 

>Rance: Alright, if it means I get to see the dessert menu, we'll give him a shot.]

OSN: Alright, Rudolph. We'll interview you. Make it quick.

Giuliani: Oh boy! Fantastic. So what did you want to ask me?

OSN: I guess, what sport did you play in college?

Giuliani: I didn't play sports in college, but I was the lead flautist in my high school's marching band. But that was a long time ago! I don't practice that anymore. I've moved on to pan flutes.

OSN: Oh, alright... can you, I guess, tell us, uh, more?

Giuliani: Well I have it right here! Can I play for you guys?

[Giuliani takes out a pan flute from his tiny yellow suitcase.]

OSN: Oh, that's okay, actually, we--

[Giuliani begins jamming on the pan flute for the next eight minutes. For a former mayor, it was a good performance.]

OSN: Wow, Rudolph, that was pretty good. Especially for a former mayor.

Giuliani: Thank you!

OSN: Well, this was alright, but we have to catch our flight which takes off in thirty seconds.

Giuliani: Can I come with you guys? I can sleep on the floor of the hotel room, no problem! And I'm not a complainer and I make a mean egg salad sandwich!

OSN: Uh, no. We have a strict no-mayor policy and you haven't brought us our dessert menu. Thanks for the interview, Rudolph.

Giuliani: Absolutely! Can I come on your show again next week?

OSN: We don't have a show. This is a sports blog.

Giuliani: Well, when you get a show, can you have me on as a guest?

[collective sigh.]

OSN: Yeah, y'know what... yeah, whatever, sure. You can be on.

--
Rudy Giuliani can be found at the payphone booth between the Hudson News Stand and Gate 54A in Terminal 2 at Los Angeles International prank calling and appearing on major news networks.

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