Sports Pirates: Who Are They, and What Do They Want?

While the mainstream football media continues to distract us with athletes and sports stars, a danger lurks behind the sideline. The top-secret image below is not something you will see on ESPN. Who are these mystery men behind the sideline, and what do they want?

At first, it seems like they are just normal football players. But for football players, only one thing matters: fetch the leather oval, and hide it in the dirt; and these men are not interested in throwing or catching shapes so they are not football players. They are also not fans, because they are standing, and sports fans are legally required to sit in a chair for the whole game.*

Every day, dozens of sports pirates slip through undetected to wreak havoc.

Therefore, dear reader, there is only one explanation: these are sports pirates. They quietly lurk in the shadows, plotting evil. One of them wears a bright yellow vest—this is the captain. When nobody is looking, he and his gang of filthy crooks steal everything they can get their hands on: the players’ lunchboxes, the yellow goalposts, and sometimes over $6 worth of quarters used in coin tosses.
For years, sports pirates have wreaked havoc on all three sports known to man: football, baseball, and basketball. In just this past year, Lebron James has reported his Gatorade getting stolen at least 8 separate times. Why do these villains continue to be hidden from the public? America deserves to know the truth!

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Ari Mostow is a sophomore at Northwestern University. He has no experience watching, playing,  listening to, or learning sports, but he would like to give it a shot when he has more spare time.

*This statement has not and will not be checked for accuracy.

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