Zozo: Tips From a Real NASCAR Driver

Zozo holds the record for "least races/games won" in NASCAR (and sports overall) history.

CARS! Everybody loves cars. The way they go fast (forwards AND backwards!) has always been somewhat interesting to me. Naturally, I've always wanted to be a racer, so now that I am, so many people ask me, "How the hell did YOU become a NASCAR driver?" And today I'm ready to share my secret to success. Two words: driving buddy.

Always have a driving buddy. Someone to sit in the passenger seat to keep you company, feed you chips and soda, and just generally keep your eyes on the road is ideal. I find that the NASCAR races are great but I get hungry quickly. Around the 20 second mark, I start making myself a meatball sub from ingredients I brought from home, and I need someone to remind me to get back to the race every once in a while.

My racecar is different from this racecar.

But don't get in an argument with them while you're driving. Ideally, your driving buddy is someone you get along with so it is rarely a problem. Of course, everyone knows friendships don't last forever, and sometimes they instantly break down in the middle of a race. Hance, my former driving buddy, was usually great because she was also my math tutor, so I could knock out my pre-Algebra homework and get a race out of the way! That's more time for me to go home and prepare for my next race or math exam! I had to cut ties with Hance when she recommended I eat healthier food while racing (she was also my dietician).

Well, that's all I want to write. I need to get back to cleaning out my car after I slammed the breaks last week and tomato sauce got all over the upholstery.

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Zozo is consistently ranked "least favorite NASCAR driver" by everybody. --Nate Odenkirk

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