How I Avoid Sports Fans at the Big Game

Over the years, my once beloved pastime of going to a game alone to have some "me time" has become almost impossible. That's because the most annoying thing a sport's lover like myself has to deal with on a regular basis is, well, other sports fans. They're loud, they stink, and chances are they want YOUR favorite team to lose. And where, I must ask, does one SEE sports fans at their most obnoxious? At the stadium, of course. I don't know why, but apparently sports fans have decided to cheer, yell, and/or clap for any reason. Baseball player hits the ball? Everybody goes nuts. Why? It's literally their job to hit the ball. I can barely get through a page of Miguel de Cervantes' 1615 classic Don Quixote without getting distracted by some child selling baseball mitts or a small family 'doing the wave' by themselves.

DQ is an incredible piece of Spanish literature, or so I'm told.

The OTHER problem I have with sports games is the traffic. In order to get to a game, you have to spend hours in your souped-up Kia Sorento behind a million other cars waiting to pay $30 to park just so you can have some peace and quiet at the ball game. Waiting in the car is especially bad, because you can't read Don Quixote and drive--just trust me on that one. So, last week I started doing something that has totally solved the whole annoying "sports fan" issue for me, and I'm ready to share it with the world! Basically, all you have to do is beat the crowd as much as you can. I like to show up around six and a half hours before the game begins so I miss all the traffic and get a prime parking spot so it's really easy for me to get out of there if I get uncomfortable. If you get there that early, you can read and enjoy the fresh air in the nosebleed seats. Then, I leave pretty early in the national anthem in order to skip the whole fanfare. That way, I get to be ahead of basically everyone; I arrive far too early, and then I leave also far too early. It's the only way I know how to enjoy a sports game anymore.

I feel pretty good about the future of sports fans. I think if more people start to catch on to the hassle sports causes everyone, maybe regular fans like myself will start to finally calm down and take it easy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do.

Nate Odenkirk is on page 4 of Don Quixote.

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