Inspiring: My brother and I called in a bomb threat while the game was tied so both teams could win [LEAKED AFFIDAVIT]

OSN has obtained the informal affidavit of the Harris brothers, written on toilet paper and sent to our offices.

Look, I’m no sadist. I love to see a good old fashioned sports romping as much as the next guy. It brings me great pleasure when one team gets trounced and the other team does the trouncing. HOWEVER, it breaks my heart to see grown men lose a game which they seem to feel so passionate about not losing. I think I speak for everyone when I say that one team losing and the other becoming, in turn, victorious, really kills the vibe for all the spectators, and dampens spirits all around for what would otherwise be a quite pleasant day on the green. That’s why last Thursday, while my brother Pherryus and I were taking in a professional (Division A-1) baseball event between the Jacksonville WingScrews and the Knoxville Jesters at the beautiful Clorox Stadium™ in West Jacksonville, we knew our duty required paramount timing. So, when the two teams had their horns locked at 3 runs a’piece in the bottom of the 6th frame, we knew we had to strike (no pun intended). So, we called in a bomb threat to the local authorities, in the hopes that the stadium would be entirely evacuated and the game would be suspended indefinitely. And our plan went even better than expected!

I can’t remember the last time I’d felt so much joy at the old ballpark as when, amidst the chaos of the security vehicles and bomb sniffing dogs, players on both teams could walk away grinning with the satisfaction that they did the best they could and came out on top. I think every person at the stadium breathed a sigh of relief when they saw the pressure of competition lifted from the burdened shoulders of those professional sportsmen.

Eli and Pherryus Harris. Image courtesy of Duval County Courthouse.

Legally, I’ve been advised not to condone my actions, as the Duval County District Court of Appeals feels strongly that my “vigilantism” could spawn unlawful imitators with mal-intent. But, in the spirit of fairness and out of a deep affection towards sports of any shape or kind, I am writing this today to extol the virtue of inconclusive or identical results in competitive sports. Not only is it great fun for the players, but it is extremely satisfying for the average fan, like myself. 

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Eli and Pherryus Harris are one week into their 13-year noncommutable sentence at Tulsa Maximum Security Adult Penitentiary. Do not contact these men.