OSN Presents: Workouts “4” Girls by 24-Hour Fitness

After years of market testing, this month 24 Hour Fitness is proud to unveil their new workout program: workouts for girls! We know we know, you women have been overlooked for years, we get it, no one likes to watch a bunch of big strong men get their “swole” on (whatever that is!) But luckily for you we’ve partnered with some of our top male trainers to create a great, healthy and E-Z program for all you ladies out there who don’t need no man! We understand that this may seem like an out-of-touch idea BUT we truly believe here that woman CAN workout if they really put their MINDS to it! Just try! The fitness wizards at 24 Hour Fitness believe in you (And don’t worry: “24 Hour Fitness” is just the name of the gym, not the length of the workout!)

24 Hour Fitness is excited to cater to the "women" demographic!

The most important workout for girls is of course squats (haha duh!) But seriously, it’s important to work out what are women’s most important physical aspect, their glutes! Anyway, The most basic squat would be the “sumo” squat. Have your legs far apart with your knees facing out, put your arms out of front of you like you’re stopping someone from harassing you and then just move your body down (towards the floor) and then back up (towards the sky and/or ceiling). Do 3 sets of 12 (that would be 36) and you’ll feel a real nice burn in your upper thigh. That burn is good though! Have no fear!

NOW, TIME FOR A BREAK! You’ve earned it, girly! Take some selfies, drink a kombucha and R-E-L-A-X! We believe the longer the increments between workouts is, the stronger you’ll get! We recommend a strict 2 on/15 off regimen, but whatever works for you is fine as well!

Let’s get dirty now! Or should be say clean (haha). We think it’s important for women to have strong knees and back for those long scrubbing days in the kitchen. For this work out you’ll need a yoga mat and a clear piece of floor! Are you in the floor yet? Ha! Got you! Get off the floor ya dummy! Today’s woman should not have to clean floors to be respected! You deserve to be seen without being on all fours. Weird right? So get on that treadmill and run until you’re out of breath. You’ll know you’re out of breath if it’s hard to breathe!

So you spent four minutes setting up the treadmill! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! BREAK TIME! Catch your breath, let a guy buy you some expensive workout gear from our fantastic facilities. Maybe even fix your hair…you might need to after all that #werk-ing out. 

Sit down for awhile!

Our last trainer tested workout for girls is…drum roll please…parkour! This is one of the harder of the three. You’ll need to pay a trained parkour professional outside of our gym for this one but it’s important that you do! Based on our understanding of women you’ll all be dodging some pretty yucky guys weekly if not daily! So, this technique will help you make a safe, quick, and cool escape! Tell your harasser no! And then flip away over and down a staircase.

Cool down! Selfie time girly girl! Thanks for choosing 24-Hour Fitness!

The author of this post, Ava Penner, has been fired, and OSN has since terminated its partnership with 24 Hour Fitness.

Never miss cutting-edge sports journalism. Click SUBSCRIBE above to receive OSN content in your inbox daily.