Why I Got Invasive Surgery to Improve My Air Hockey Skills

Air hockey is an ancient sport. Since the beginning of time, man has dreamt of hitting a flat puck across a surface guided by soft bursts of air. But it wasn't until the early 1920s when tables were invented that the fantasy could become a reality. Ever since then, air hockey has become a mainstay. Named "America's favorite indoor sport" by Tabletop Gamez Monthly in 2012 and 2014, some of our greatest athletes in history got their start hitting a puck back and forth on a table. Babe Ruth, Michael Phelps, former one-term president George H.W. Bush, and Usain Bolt all excelled at air hockey in their earlier years before going on to much less impressive careers elsewhere. But, with almost a century of air hockey, the sport hasn't changed that much since pucks were added in the 1960s. There have been some attempts at performance enhancement: in the 1980s, Nike released a line of air hockey shoes to promote their brand. It did not sell great. Gatorade also came out with air-hockey sports scented Performance Juice™, to moderate success.

Imagine how good I could be if my arms were twice this size!

But I digress. Point is--not much has changed in the cutthroat world of air hockey since it was invented nearly 100 years ago. Until now. You see, yesterday I underwent an experimental elective surgery sure to make me the best air hockey player in these United States! I had my arm sockets extended so now my arms are around two feet longer than an average man's. The surgery is extremely simple: they break both of your arms, and then you are put on an anesthetic while a plastic or metal (I got plastic) rod is inserted in between the break. That's it! It took less than four hours and the results couldn't be better! Once it heals I'll be able to reach all the way across the air hockey tabletop to slip the puck in my opponent's goal hole. As I'm dictating this now, I can only imagine what the boys will say when I show up to the 'rink looking like an octopus with a taste for air hockey success! I'll see you on the regional leaderboards!

The rod!

Nate Odenkirk is currently experiencing rod-induced pain. Editor's note: do not attempt surgery.

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