"Aloha" From the Seychelles! OSN Sports Camp Back on after Civil War Ends

Dear Parents,

It is our pleasure to inform you that the OSN Youth Sports Camp in the Seychelles is no longer cancelled, as the rebel forces have been permanently subdued. The last of the insurgent officers have been taken into custody and will be executed by firing squad tomorrow morning, which means your children will be safe and sound at the Mbuntu Royal Sports Pavilion and Reinforced Barracks. Below you'll find a sample itinerary of what your children can experience at their week of OSN Sports Camp. In the meantime, we'd like to ask for an additional cash infusion of just 320 dollars to construct a new runway at Mbuntu III International Airport, as much of the island's infrastructure has been permanently destroyed. We take Western Union, check, or American currency delivered to the embassy under the cover of darkness.

Mahalo, and welcome to the Indian Ocean!

--OSN Editors, Camp Seychelles Staff, Seychelles Royal Army, Navy

Camp Seychelles™ Daily Schedule

Sunday Funday!

3:00 a.m. – Drop-off child at Port of Seychelles fortified entry.

3:01 a.m. - Passports confiscated.

3:02 a.m. - Children are securely transported to Mbuntu Royal Sports Pavilion barracks via “Warthog” military convoy. NOTE: please be on time! We will NOT allow your child on the aircraft due to security concerns if they are late.

Above: the first envoy of campers arrives via reinforced Warthog. 

7:00 a.m. – arrive at Mbuntu Royal Sports Pavilion and Army Barracks. Receive camper identification numbers (CIN), security orientation, and microchip implants for enhanced tracking and advanced athletic performance data.

Noon- lunch (not provided).

6:00 p.m. – dinner and opening ceremony with Seychelles Royal Orchestra. Memorial for previous summer’s deceased campers. Menu: Lentil-cake BBQ cookout. (please alert staff ahead of time if your child has allergies, so we know to withhold meals).

9:00 p.m. – barracks locked.

9:01 p.m. – electric fences activated.

Monday

6:00 – wake up.

6:15 – barracks inspection.

6:30 – breakfast. Menu: UN-AID wheat-sorghum compound, warm water.

7:30 – floggings (if necessary).

8:30 – swimming. (campers must pass swim test and renounce nationality).

10:00 – campers swear blood loyalty oath to counselors.

11:30 – second security orientation and emergency weapons training.

12:30 – kickball.

1:30 – lunch (for kickball winners only). Menu: Traditional Seychelles bread ration, mustard seed, caesar salad.

2:30-midnight – salt mines.

Tuesday

Midnight-9:00 a.m. – salt mines.

9:00 – amphetamines distributed.

9:15 - Optional activity: monument building--bust of King Mbuntu III, General Kokondo* 

9:30 – tennis (balls, racket not included).

10:30 – free play.

11:30-midnight – salt mines.

*Monument building now mandatory.