Op-ed: If Tom Brady's So Great, Why Does He Shit in My Bucket?

Tom Brady’s not as great as everyone thinks. That’s right. I said it. I know he won five Superbowls, but there’s another side to him most of you haven’t seen.

I live next door to Mr. Brady. Our backyards share a fence. In my yard, I have a shed where I keep my tools and workbench. I also have a large plastic bucket, which I use a lot when I’m gardening. Every morning, when I come out to my shed, I find shit in my bucket. Human shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Brady – your beloved quarterback – hops the backyard fence, breaks into my shed, and shits in my bucket.

My sign did not clarify things for Mr. Brady.

I don’t know why he does it. I never did anything to piss him off. He certainly has plenty of bathrooms in his mansion, not to mention enough money to afford his own bucket. Maybe he thinks its funny. I’ve never caught him red-handed, but I know he’s the one who does it. He left a copy of the Patriots’ playbook in my shed one time. Plus, some mornings, he’ll knock on my door and ask to borrow a bucket with this big smirk on his face, and when I tell him no, his smirk gets even bigger and he says, “Why not? Did something happen to your bucket?” Then he starts laughing and runs away.

Peyton Manning never shat in my bucket. Joe Montana never shat in my bucket. Aaron Rodgers shat in my bucket once, but he felt really bad afterward and made a very sincere apology. Tom Brady has never even owned up to shitting in my bucket.

I’m not stupid, Tom. The world is not stupid. If you want to be seen as the greatest quarterback of all time, find another bucket to shit in.

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Nathan Mostow has had it up to here with Tom Brady's shenanigans. He also wishes Tom would stop shitting in his bucket.

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